Happy New Year!

As we counted down to the new year, I looked all around me at the nurses, EMT's, paramedics, doctors, technicians, and business associates around me and felt a warm glow. And no, it wasn't from the champagne I already snuck a taste of.

It has been a whole year (minus two days) since I first entered the Emergency Room as a technician, two whole years since I began as a volunteer.  The changes since then in my person, mentally, physically, and emotionally have been significant and long-lasting.  I almost never walked home after a long day or night shift, regardless of how tired I was without thinking about, reflecting on, and analyzing what I had seen- all the chaos, emotional situations, and funny occurrences. Most people would probably think of what I do as Hell on Earth, but it is a ring-side seat to the unabashedly naked (sometimes literally) and diverse circus of humanity.

Although I am very frustrated with the lack of a positive response from medical schools, I find comfort in learning something new every shift, acquiring new tools for the toolbox of my future in healthcare.  I will also keep busy doing the best I can do for my patients both as a technician and musician.  Life, as the ER teaches me often, is much too short to waste on regret.

So far, I have eluded the cold armor of jaded apathy and hope to stay that way. For some healthcare workers, it is only a matter of time; for others, they will constantly maintain their humanity in the face of difficult situations. My co-workers, I observed, even though dressed in their shiny holiday best, could not help but discuss work. Later, I laughed at myself because I was doing the same thing.  What we do is inseparable to who we are though we are all marked by the specters of our unresolved traumatic experiences. However, we also know that there is no reason to forget the joy of being together welcoming the bright future.

Although my lessons of the year had been taught under a heavy, heavy hand, I very much appreciate all that has been accomplished and everyone who has contributed to filling my cup of happiness.

Cheers to everyone.  As I emptied my small glass of champagne with my cheering co-workers, I felt hope bubble in my chest for the adventures of a brand new year.

Happy New Year!

S

Bringing it Home

As ER workers, we might deny it, say that we have everything under control. But it is unavoidable; whether occasionally or often, we bring our job home with us. What we do is an integral part of us, whether we want it to be or not.

This is evidenced by the wide array of adrenaline-laced hobbies we have, from working out like crazy, marathon running, re-enactment battles using medieval weaponry, rock-climbing, sky-diving, pole-dancing, motorcycle racing, going out drinking just to toe the line between having a good time and ending up in the drunk tank at work.

As for me, I like to go running- I can go as fast or slow as I want, depending on my patience. There is the perception of cardiovascular health benefits and an afterglow that I like to bask in after a long run that nothing else really compares to. I also play music- all kinds of music, whether it be celtic fiddle, or 50's oldies, or classical, or top 40, or eclectic pop, alternative, heavy metal, I will like it if it's good, if it was thought out... I like music with intention. Sometimes I draw or make paper animals or eat. Never mind sometimes- I always come home to eat and it does make me feel better/sleepy.

Nevertheless, I still get dreams or nights where I lie awake wondering what happened to Mr. So-and-so or Little Mrs. Itty-bitty. Those are the nights that my coping mechanisms fail and I am at the full mercy of my very active imagination and pervasive little pessimistic streak. Usually, my optimism shines brightly through and through, but in the small hours of the night, that's when fairytale monsters freely reign over a mostly sleeping world.

S

The Midnight Munchies

This is me after work:

I can't help it! As soon as I step foot in the door, I feel immediately ravenous. During work, I might be so busy that I don't feel hungry for hours at a time. Other days, I might stash candy in my bag and sneak them out one by one. I might go and buy yogurts and eat oranges from dissembled patient lunch boxes. Occasionally, I might snag a juice box for sudden dizzy spells or dips in blood sugar.

One thing that has really changed significantly since I started this job is my eating. Visually, it's resulted in a net gain of about 20lb. I don't really mind, but it's really interesting how it happened.

At work, we get a 30 minute lunch break, so I have gotten used to scarfing things down. At home, in a more relaxed atmosphere (and with more food available), I still scarf things down at a rapid rate, but at an increased time interval and increased amount. Also, in the middle of the night, it's hard to gauge hunger. I've eaten half a rotisserie chicken once without realizing it (and two bowls of rice, a bowl of soup, everything doused in copious amounts of sriracha, and some cookies). Whoops.

Also, I've started eating junk that I never ate before. Since I've noticed it, I suppose it's time to change my cookie-monster ways. Alas!

It was a great night in critical care; update in the morning! Meanwhile, it's time to get another snack.

S