Thursday, April 19, 2012

Proctologian Mimicry

Mr. Jumpy eyed me suspiciously. "Don't let her near me! I say, don't let her come anywhere near me!" He shuffled to another side of the bed.

"Why, what's wrong?" A nurse asked.

"I can't believe she did that to me, that doctor there," he pointed at me. I had been nowhere near the new elderly patient, so the nurse smiled and humored him, "what did that bad, bad doctor do to you, Mr. Jumpy?"

"I'd know her from anywhere. I will never allow anybody to put a finger there again, you hear? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hide my anus."

I have logged another "first" to my list of experiences. This was definitely the first time I was mistaken for anyone's proctologist.

For the rest of the morning, everytime I walked by, he would mutter and shift, presumably hiding his anus. He watched me as I went about my duties and eventually allowed me to give him a pillow/blankets.

"You know what," he mused a few hours later, "you' all right. Just never do that to me again."

"Ok, Mr. Jumpy, I promise that you have nothing to worry about from me."

Mr. Jumpy didn't turn out to be mentally ill, surprisingly... he was just a man terrified of rectal exams.


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