Wednesday, August 1, 2012

"So I Was Having Sex Today..."

(in an increasingly serious order from funny to NSFL)

Patient 1: "... when my boyfriend grabbed my boob and now it feels kinda lumpy and sore."
S: "Is that why you came to the ER today?"
Patient 1: "Yes, it's sore and I wanted to get it checked out."
S: *keeps straight face* "Ok, well the doctor will come in to see you in a moment."

Patient 2: "... and my girlfriend was on top ya know, and she was goin' up and down when I look down and it's like a ****in' bloodbath. I was so pissed she didn't tell me she was on her period, and then I started to feel pain, man."
PA: "Well, yes, it sounds and looks like you tore your frenulum." !! ouch!!

Patient 3: "... and I just felt a lot of pain."
PA: "Um, ok, well let's take a look at it. We might have to do a swab for chlamydia..."
PA: "... oh my... I think you fractured it."
What the PA won't tell him is that after surgery, it's common to lose an inch or two.

Patient 4 didn't say much, but it was obvious what happened. He had been using a cockring which he did not try to remove until 4 hours later. By then, his scrotum had swollen to about 3 times its normal size and was quite stuck. Our first attempt at using lubrication to slide the ring off was laughable. Even more funny was how our ring-cutter broke with no noticeable dent to the ring. At this, patient 4 finally admitted that the ring was made of titanium! Now, the fire department had to be called and much to the chagrin of a very private patient 4, he was surrounded by a room full of very fascinated male residents, nurses, firemen, and one female tech who was pouring ice water onto the electric saw to keep the ring from over-heating and burning him. After the ring was cut off, patient 4 left us wordlessly, probably too embarrassed to even say thank you to the team that saved his genitals from falling off. (In animal husbandry practices, this is actually how they castrate sheep and calves)

So next time you feel like gettin' busy, be safe! Otherwise, you should know that there is a small but distinct possibility you could end up awkwardly meeting yours truly,


1 comment:

  1. "Otherwise, you should know that there is a small but distinct possibility you could end up awkwardly meeting yours truly"

    Time to check out the cockring aisle, I guess...