Mondays are Crazy

I look at the chart. Chief Complaint: Pt states that the facility staff is Hitler and is trying to kill her.

I look at the patient: A heavy-set woman reading the Holy Bible out loud.

I walked by her bed in the hallway...

Ms. E: Hey Nurse!! Can you come here?

S: Sure... What's going on?
Ms. E pulls up her shirt. DOES THIS LOOK PREGNANT TO YOU??

S: I can't see by just looking. They'd have to look inside or you could give us a urine sample.

Ms. E: Ok. Can you look anyway?

S: Ms. E, let's pull that shirt back down. There are gentlemen around here!

Ms. E: Oh, ok! I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I don't want to scare anybody with my ugly body.

S: No, no, not ugly. They just don't expect to see it, that's all.

Ms. E: Not even in the emergency room??

S: Oh no, usually that happens behind closed curtains.

Ms. E: Ok! Thanks!

I walked by again, Ms. E is pulling up her shirt, scratching on her chest.

S: Ms. E, what are you doing?
Ms E: I gotta rash! One is between my legs and the other is under my breasts. Can you take a look for me?

S: I'm not a doctor, I'm sorry- can you let him know that when he walks by next?

Ms. E: Oh, Ok ok. But can you just feel it for me? The one between my legs is real bad. I want you to feel it.

S: How about I just let your doctor know now? I'll grab you a blanket too.

Ms. E: Ok! That way I can cover up when I scratch! You know (looks around) for the gentlemen around.

While taking vital signs:

S: Are you feeling pain right now, Miss Exhibitionist?

Ms. E: That's Exjhibitionistahh, but yes, only a little.

S: Ok, so on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst pain you've ever felt in the world, how much do you feel?

Ms. E: TWENTY-BILLION.

S: (Ok, I'll round down and say 10)...

Ms. E: Nurse, nurse! Can you help me?

S: What can I do for you?

Ms. E: Last time I was here, I brought a book called The End of Everything. Something like that. I left it upstairs. I was wondering if you could go up and find it for me.

S: I'm sorry, I don't think I can leave here. But what floor were you on?

Ms. E: I don't remember. Not even a lost and found?

S: There are lots of floors and lost and founds...

Ms. E's eyes start welling up with tears

S: But you have a book with you today, where is it?

Ms. E had clutched her bible close to her chest.

S: That's your bible, isn't it?

She smiles and nods.

S: You keep it close to your heart?

Ms. E: It is the good book.

I patted her on the shoulder and she seemed temporarily contented, flipping through her bible once more.

Suddnely, I hear a wail:

BUT WHAT IF I'M PREGNANT????

Doctor: We won't be doing an ultrasound. It's unnecessary.

Ms. E: BUT I WANT AN ULTRASOUND. There are babies in there!!

Doctor: We can figure out the same thing by urine.

Ms. E: Oh, ok. But I can't pee!!!

But after asking nicely, she was fine peeing into the cup.

Ms. E: (cheerfully) I'm paranoid-schizophrenic, you know. Thank you for everything! Here's the cup.

She had such a childlike innocence and I liked her. I hope they figure out what is going on with her.