Now I Understand

I loved you. But it was not enough to move you. Now I know that no one was enough to move you.

The tech who taught me most of what I know is gone. He helped me get this job and tonight, he shot himself in his house. The whole department wept at the news.

He was gentle, he was strong, he was handsome. He had a heck of a sense of humor, always a smile on his lips and a glint in his eye.

He was a romantic, a real ladies' man, protective of the weak and persecutor of the lazy. He was always working, which is why he liked me, because I never stop moving when I work.

From him, I learned how to set a proper EKG, and how to apply cardiac leads. From his gentle manners, I learned how to approach an angry patient, how to lower my voice to calm them, how to be firm to establish command with a drunk. I learned how a long-term ER worker can maintain a sense of humor and composure. I learned how PTSD can ravage a soul. His eyes sometimes looked far away. I loved the way they refocused back onto me and crinkled into a twinkling smile.

We parted because I could no longer be content with being anything less than stuck to him. He gently affirmed his need for space with a sad, but firm resolution. He had demons, I knew, but I respected his choice to spare me from dealing with them. I would have traveled the world just to glimpse him again, but I accepted his choice.

Tonight, I think back to all the happy moments I spent with him- he, who taught me what chivalry is supposed to be, who taught me what it means to be brave, who taught me how to grin and bear it all. I'd cried countless tears for him, but tonight, the meter is reset- there are more coming.

Rest in Peace.