Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Topsy-Turvy Tuesday

Returning to work today was a much smoother transition than I expected; people knew "my tech" and I were close, but as very private people, we never let them know how close. I am glad for our prudence and forethought. It would have been a nightmare otherwise, with prying minds and inappropriate questions asked of me all the time. I am thankful for all the kind souls who gave me hugs and acknowledged my silent smile as enough information.

It was also, for some reason, crazy-person day- not suicidal, just straight-up crazy. Everyone had a bad headcase in addition to whatever physical malady or ailment. For example, CP1 (crazy person 1) swallowed 2 checkers and a golf pencil. Later, he managed to spit one of the checkers up. The pencil has to be surgically removed, however. It had a very clear, very funny picture on the x-ray and ct scan. Something like this:

CP2 came in screaming. It was the kind of screaming that sends people running to see what is going on, but after a few seconds, sends them running the other way so they don't have to deal with the melodrama.
"My stomach!! It hurts so bad!!!" (GROOOAN), while she rocked back and forth a few times for effect. Then, she looked up, and would try again,
OMG it hurts sooooo bad!!!!
After being ignored for about 10 minutes, she saw me walk by and said,
Hey, I've been waiting ****ing forever and WHERE IS MY NURSE IT HURTS SO BAD HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
I walked away just to see what she would say-
"tsk, forget you all", and she ran to the pediatric section of our emergency room, from which she was promptly wheeled back to be reprimanded by our charge nurse.
Sorry, when we have more than twenty-five people in our waiting room, you're just going to have to wait like everybody else. Especially when you're obviously being hysterical for no serious problem.

CP3 came in a bit drowsy and became progressively more narcoleptic as the afternoon turned into evening. The only time she woke up was when we drew blood, where she almost jumped on the tech who was doing it. I helped draw the blood as he held her down, but she thrashed around so much I was afraid to burst a vessel or be stuck by the needle. She said she would urinate, but kept falling asleep. At this point, it was determined that she must have taken something funny, so we had to insert a urinary catheter to do a drug-screen. It was relatively easy to undress her. Any protest stopped quickly because she would fall asleep, and one sleeve would slip off. Then she'd wake and start again, fall asleep, and we'd slip the other sleeve off. The best part was yet to come; we found out she is a genetic anomaly. Between three nurses, 2 techs, and a doctor, we could not figure out where her urethra was. It was a smooth surface from the top of the clitoris to the vagina. There was no hole!! Our lady had inserted two large tampons in her vagina for no apparent (menstrual) reason. The nurses bullied the resident into removing them. ("Well, I've never done this before!"=awkward male resident "Neither have we, hehehe"=nurses) At the smell, he excused himself from the room, thoroughly traumatized and in search of Zofran (anti-emetic).
We managed to find the urethra after half an hour of poking (If she didn't have a UTI then, she will now), we found an internal entrance to the bladder. How funny is that? CP3 kept blinking in and out, so she didn't feel much.

CP4 was one of our regular drunks. He is totally incomprehensible because he has 2 teeth left. It is difficult to tell when he is slurring and when he is trying to talk. He makes hand motions, but that doesn't aid comprehension in the slightest. Last time I got him a sandwich, he ate it, then urinated in the box as a present for me. Never again! Tonight, I ignored him to the best of my ability.

CP5 was Mr. Catch. He wheeled into my drunk tank section during my drunk tank shift and was passed out for a little while. Then, suddenly, he screamed, startling everyone in the room, "NO NEED TO CROWD, LADIES, THERE'S ENOUGH OF ME TO GO AROUND, THOUGH WHY YOU'D WANT A PIECE OF THIS IS BEYOND ME."
He fell back asleep and we sat in stunned silence before bursting into laughter.

What a night...

Edit: Saw Mr. Catch on the street. He asked me for money.
"Sorry, I don't carry cash"
"I take credit card"
(Smile) "ok"
"I was making a joke! Laugh a little! C'mon!"
Looks like he's been hitting the sauce again.

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